questions of the heart

It's okay to crawl under a rock if you choose that on purpose, right? It's not giving up. It is knowing your limitations and not wanting to fall apart. Better to stay whole and under a rock than expose yourself to rejection and pain. Why did you have to fall in love with someone who doesn't want what you have to offer? 

Those were my thoughts just a few minutes ago.

Who am I anymore? I never imagined I would be the way I am now—contemplating quitting. I don't even know how to quit actually. I imagine it looks like hopelessness though, and I keep edging closer to that precipice. Even during a brutal divorce and ever brutal aftermath, I stayed true to form and have pushed through many an impossible situation.

Are you just going through rebound feelings? Is this just all in your head?? Maybe I'm not far away from this enough, nor do I want to be, but I believe I went through the naturally occurring rebound stage with someone already. I didn't even fall apart when things went haywire with my old boyfriend I was talking with for over a year. It was hard and disappointing to see how things unraveled, but it was not like this. I think it has a lot to do with the person.

Why fall apart now? Getting blindsided does strange things, I guess.

Why does this situation feel so different? It feels like I should not ever give up. Like I'd be losing a part of me that I need. It hardly makes sense when I think of my 18-year marriage and how I never had these particular thoughts after that much time. Narcissism changes things drastically from my experience.

Why did I not guard my heart better? Because I knew and still know I need to love without reserve no matter what. It would feel a bit foolish, except I know what I know deep down.

You might think this sounds lovesick and disgusting, but I've only felt sure like this a few times in my whole life. I will not doubt something that is so sure. Maybe I am being lovesick and disgusting. Maybe I am playing the part of the fool. Maybe all of the negative voices are true. But I would rather err on the side of loving too much than chance letting this vision of happiness go without properly trying. It's really all about effort. Two people choosing to make the effort it takes. That's the home I seek. Home will be in the heart of someone who shares, loves, and gives because he wants to.

Maybe I'm simply homesick for an unlocked heart, my match, an effervescent yet terrifically real love. Maybe this homesickness is the seed of my discontented heart, wanting for a gardner to dig about it and remove the bitter weeds that have sprung from neglect. Maybe I have been in long need of tender loving care from someone who chooses me. Maybe I've never had that, and living under a layer of fat and hidden behind closed doors feels safer than loving yet another person who won't love me back.

Why do I even write any of this? I write it down because I don't want to forget. In a year from now, I want to be able to measure where I was with where I am and learn something. If nothing else changes or improves, if I am still alone, I want to at least be able to evaluate the situation. Observe myself like a questioning researcher. Probably dissect myself like a third party observer with nothing to lose.

As I wrap my mind around my thoughts, I am reminded of a cliché that a friend shared with me recently in a letter: Things have a strange way of always working out. I believe that. And now with questions still waiting to be answered, I must wait to see these strange ways as everything works out.

this race

alone

standing apart

at the start

no one else matters

the mile markers stretched out

marathon of a lifetime—this lifetime

running ragged, trudging along, unrelenting, breathless, beautiful

unable to get clear of sweat and tears

keep going, you can do it, break the pattern

somehow someday someone will come along the way to help 

to gladly lend unfailing, generous support and offer up their heart

but—don't stop to hold your breath—just keep going

you will overcome the trouble and see the sun

shining on your burdened shoulders and wind-whipped faces

hope emblazoned across your stalwart, eternal souls

even if no one else cares

light and joy will arrive

comforting these precious hearts

to the end

standing tall

alone

birthdays light my fire

Birthdays are something I enjoy celebrating—organizing parties, buying and making gifts, and anything else I can do to let the people I care about know how much I appreciate them in my life. I'm not sure what's the deal with me and birthdays entirely, but it really makes me happy to let my mind gravitate to planning my next move.

My children have birthdays every three months, so I like to call them my quarterly kids. But the best part about the fact is that I only have three months until the next birthday. If they were all bunched together, I'd probably overachieve big time on the very next birthday after a long break.

When you stop to think about it, making sure to do birthday parties and sending surprises in the mail aren't essentials, and maybe I spend a little too much time on getting the details just how I like (thus making me a bit batty), but to see how happy it makes my loved ones is what keeps that fire burning. It's like a bonfire of happy that's always lit.

sometimes

Sometimes the day starts out fresh, has a horribly muddy middle, but ends well and good. Sometimes every single emotion happens in one day. Sometimes you get hugs by the droves that you've been needing.  Sometimes you have the slightest thread of hope left, yet sometimes that slightest bit is just enough to piece together a smile. Sometimes you have no answers, ask every question, and still are left with no answers, but sometimes that is okay. Sometimes a good day gone wrong goes right again, and you have friendship and love to thank.

my bowl of cherries

Out of place and feeling really quiet. Somehow all the good will outweigh the bad. My mother's hope for good winning out has to be true. These random thoughts feel almost like overthinking, and overthinking is a red flag. Just stop and enjoy what you can. But also, many people say fake it until you make it. So where do all the sad and confused and feeling silly go? They hide. They hide in the happy sunshine as the world keeps turning. They hide under a rock or in projects or in the things that appear to be productive and good. There is so little and yet there is so much. Do you live on famine or abundance? Which one will keep you alive and growing? Ask yourself that. That's the thing to think about. All the good and wonderful and things that are going right. Not the lies, manipulation, misunderstanding, selfishness, or pride. Not even the mistakes. Mistakes help you grow and learn how to not make the same ones again. If you care. Caring is essential for life. Caring is abundance. And if you have someone to share in that. Now, that's when good wins. Good wins forever.