Seeking to Become - October 2016

It has been a rough time, a busy and emotional time, since the last Seeking to Become post. Reflecting on my troubles, there are many scriptures to focus on that could help me. I have been striving to strengthen my spiritual foundation as I work to understand my life's path, and I believe that sometimes it is difficult to remember where the good things come from when we have so much good and bad being thrown at us. Knowing whence good originates can help with discerning what to keep in our lives and what to cut loose. And so, this month especially, I've been wanting to sort through what is best in my life. I came across a scripture in Moroni 10:18 that has touched my heart:

And I would exhort you, my beloved brethren, that ye remember that every good gift cometh of Christ. 

It doesn't say one good gift or even some, it says every good gift. So while I'm counting my blessings this upcoming month, I will strive to be more aware of who is blessing me. Through Christ, we are able to return to live with God, and every day in every good gift, we can see how his work is making a difference. We can understand why we meet certain people and how they are gifts from God and our Savior to help us as we make our way home.

Join me this month in seeking to become more like Christ through understanding what he gives to us and how it all is for our good.

find the light

Days piled on top of days
We go and go and go
With so much to do
So much to know and see and overcome
So much running us over
So much running us down into the ground
Pushing ourselves to try and be alive
With some days barely making it at all

However—
If we stop to look around
Just long enough to take it all in
We can see near and far
Piles on top of piles of love
From friends
Real friends
Those who see our hearts
Those who understand
How alone we feel
Surrounded yet alone

With darkness all around
We stand saturated in light
And warmth and courage divine
Given like a gift of solid gold
A wealth of strength to keep going
From getting run over
From getting pushed out and broken
There is love threaded
Into the fabric of our souls
To be wrapped around the lonely and sad
The hearts that have grown cold
Giving them hope to borrow
To keep warm against the ravages of winter

no more heartburn

I made it through heartburn a day for a month day. Yes, that's vague, but that's alright. At least you know I made it through, so that should be enough.

Do you ever feel like a day lasts forever as it pulls your heart out through your throat? A day should never last that long unless you're with someone that makes you happy. That doesn't even make sense now. There are so many things to do and so much has been falling apart. So maybe these thoughts represent me finally letting go of trying to make sense of garbage that can't be understood.

I am free from the pressure that has been keeping me down, and I could not be more grateful for that. I hope everyone is having an exceptional day. I hope you're finding your way out of whatever mess you're in or helping someone out if you're doing alright.

just barely

taking
a
breath
but
there
are
no
words
for
what
is
happening
and
yet
somehow
there
are
still
words
on
this
page
on
these
fingertips
on
this
tongue
waiting
for
words
to
match
what
was
written
on
her
heart
before
the
world
began
.
     somehow
     something
     someone
     someday
     someway
     will
     match
     and
     work
     and
     never
     leave
     and
     always
     stay
.
love
will
be
enough
to
span
the
great
divide
between
hearts
and
her
home
will
come
home
and
be
home
.
     hearts
     will
     continue
     to
     heal
     while
     hurting
     in
     new
     ways
     indescribable
     and
     disconsolate
     because
     it's
     what
     hearts
     do
.
hearts
love
this
heart
only
knows
what
it
knows
and
can't
do
anything
but
love
no
matter
what
or
so
it
would
appear
.

talking

There's a very important ingredient in raising teenagers, and that's talking: being able to talk about hard things, letting them talk about hard things, sometimes talking and letting them talk about simple and happy things too. Overall, the theme is keeping the talking going. As soon as no one is talking, the overthinking and misunderstandings begin to rule, and no one wants that.

So anyway. There was a big talk that happened at my house the other day, and we talked about so many things. Truly, there was hardly anything that was not discussed at least in part. That stated, you can imagine that some of those hard to say and hard to hear things were said. Many actually. But there was one thing that I wish I could make better yet can't right now.

My child was saying how they want me to find someone who wants to help me and love me and them. They were crying and upset, blaming me for my singleness as if I don't do enough to meet people and cultivate meaningful relationships with the people I already talk with. I can hardly tell you how heartbroken these words sounded as they were uttered. And I can hardly say how much more lonely and heartbroken I am since hearing them. I can't even say how undesirable I have felt.

No harm was intended at this commentary—only care and wishing and hoping for my happiness and theirs—yet in hearing how ineffectual my conduct has been, I only felt the sting of my situation further. It has compounded my understanding of the power of choice and how no one has to love you except your parents. It is too much.

You know what else is a bit too much? Getting chastised by your child for not finding someone who isn't their birth father to help you. I never thought I'd ever hear that one. It's something to be thankful for, I think.

I hurt too

Three words: I hurt too
Echoing through the halls
Of her bleeding heart's home

No words come.
As pain seeps into earthen thoughts
That won't ever be forgot

Carving into every corner
Of our layers of memory
We make a mark that stains

Changed yet cherished
Broken yet blessed
Paralyzed while moving forward

It hurts because we love
There is something missing
And that is you, me, us

It hurts when truth is locked
There is pain when the heart
Knows better but we turn the other way

My home hurts
Echoing my own thoughts
I hurt too.

accommodations

It's been nearly a year of working out how to make room for more of what I want in my life with my word of the year this year being accommodate. To update you, I've done cleaning projects around my house and the yard. I planted a peach tree in spring and a blazing Maple just last week. I have started new hobbies like playing singles' volleyball and learning how to do Snapchat (that last one is a joke and serious all at the same time). I have said bold things, changed habits, worked hard on opening my heart to the happiness that surrounds me.

All of that said, I don't feel like I've accomplished much. Maybe I've filled the space I create too quickly with something different. Maybe I don't know how to leave room for more without substituting other stuff because I don't want to slow down long enough to think about everything going on because I might cry.

I've actually done a lot of crying as I work to accommodate more of what I want. These slices of life have been trending on the depressed side if you ask me. But what do I know? I think maybe I've needed to leave some room for crying and writing about the pain I have to bear. If the truth of the matter is that no one chooses to stand by your side and love you and your children, then that is sad. That makes sense to cry about. And tears should be given some space to be felt. The reminder that no one sees me though. That's the part that is suffocating instead of freeing. To be told how amazing you are but not be worth the effort to stay by anyone is troubling. I have to keep from retreating into myself again, but I must admit that I have painfully put back on a few layers of sad fear. It's just all too much as of late.

Enough of that though. I still have a couple of months to get this accommodating my hopes and dreams thing in full swing, and I have been happily surprised enough times in my life to know that something can happen. It probably won't be anything I do in particular, but all that I'm working toward will invite who and what I need to find room around this crowded place. Somehow it will all work out.

rabbit holes

My teenaged son is away for a couple of days, so I decided to give him a fresh start on his laundry. Who knew laundry could last for two days straight? Who knew that, in finding all the dirty laundry, half the room would end up getting cleared out? How much trash can a boy's room hold? Seriously. I don't even know what to think about it all. I'm pretty sure I need to start charging a monthly cleaning fee for carpet cleaning alone if he doesn't figure this garbage out soon. 

In all the laundry washing, drying, folding, discovering more trash and socks and spoons (like 10-15 spoons), I have had a lot of time to think too. I have thought about the holes I dig myself into and out of on the regular. I thought about how I've let myself care so much without regard for whether anyone else is returning it in kind. I have thought whether I should carry on or if it might wreck me. I don't want to make messes that can be not necessarily avoided but are unnecessary. I want my interactions to actually be blessings—even if it's in the long run. That's alright so long as the long run happens. Every caring effort tells me that somehow it will all work out. 

Now back to my boy. I hope he figures things out sooner than later. The long run can be so difficult. I don't wish him a life without challenges that help him grow, but I do wish for him to feel successful and capable. 

Sometimes the rabbit holes go so deep we can't find our way without a little help to get around the bends to see the sunlight. And that's okay.