on thin ice

One month. I have just one month until student teaching overtakes my life for a time. And the worst news is that I am unprepared for it. I feel as if I am skimming the surface, trying to find a rhythm that isn't there. My only thought is to throw in the towel and put it off until my life slows down a little. I can't see how I will be able to do all that is required and take care of my family and everything else that is going on right now. However, if the past eight years is any indicator, I have been able to make it through some rough spots, and I don't believe my life will be any less insane come January. I weigh this all out in my mind at least twice a day, and I convince myself that quitting is not an option. When I talk to my friends and family, I speak of this quitting option as if it were a real option. I think everyone is just sitting back waiting to see if I'll actually go against my nature and quit or keep on going as per usual.

To be completely transparent, this is not a joke or exaggeration. I honestly contemplate pushing off student teaching for a semester. And I'd totally do it, except I also worry that I won't ever go back and finish if I stop (or even press pause) for now. I don't feel strong enough or smart enough or resilient enough to do what I dreamt I would do when this time came. There is not enough of me left to give at this point.

I feel like an ice skater slipping on thin ice, and if I fall just right, I won't ever get back up because I will have fallen through, into a perilous abyss.

7 comments:

  1. student teaching can feel ominous, for many reasons. I have been there along while back, and am oddly thrown back into a similar feeling As I try to rejuvenate my on hold for family, career. oddly for me I get this feeling more from 'the interview' than the idea of actually teaching. Good luck to you!

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  2. I am expecting to have my first student teacher this Fall - I hope she will share her anxiety with me so that we can begin the year with a sense of anticipation not dread. I wish you luck - it will be such an amazing learning experience.

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  3. As someone who put off my student teaching and ended up having a completely different career for 25 years, I encourage you to go for it if you really want to start teaching in the next few years. I have no regrets for having been a chef for over 20 years, and having a family, but if I had known then that it would be 30 years before I could go back to school and finish my credential process I wouldn't have gotten off the track. I think...

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  4. Student teaching is a safe place for your to grow and develop professionally. It will be a tough experience but will be an important experience in your career. Good luck and have fun!

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  5. I hope that you will have a wonderful cooperating teacher who will support you through this process. You're probably right that life will never slow down (at least that seems how it is in my life). I wish you luck and when you come through to the other side, come back and read this post. :)

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  6. I can't thank all of you enough for your words of encouragement. Between these comments here and ones from family and phone calls, I feel buoyed up as I had hoped I might be by sharing these inner thoughts. Thank you, thank you.

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  7. I remember somebody telling us in an orientation about 20 (gasp!) some years ago when I was about to begin my student teaching semester - get ready. Get ready for the car to break down, the kids to get sick, the family crisis to happen - because that's how life works. When you have a dream, life makes you work for it. Honestly - the only student teachers I have had concerns about in the 20 years since, were the ones who weren't a little bit unsure. That worry says "this is important, this matters." I bet you are going to be just fine :)

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