possibly for good

Questioning my intellect 

As I cry more tears for you

Asking myself why

For the thousandth time

Throwing the door open

When you know even if they don't yet

Giving away that part of your heart

You promised you'd hold safe

Locking it away for just one more

But it goes unreceived—rejected

Baring everything for naught

Apparently a repetition of the past

Realizing nothing is the same

Always nothing; never the one

Questioning; crying; trying to comprehend

As day never breaks for me

Locking away this broken heart

Shutting down for now

courage to wait

I wrote that title almost a year ago. Typed it into the title box and left it as a place marker for writing something someday. I'm sure I meant to get back to it much sooner, but the time for writing has finally arrived. 

Courage, waiting, and patience have been words that keep coming to the surface of my mind. Courage in waiting, patience in waiting, not waiting but being truly patient in my living, and courage in living so as to not wait but be ready for whatever comes my way: these are the angles at which I explore this life I have. 

The past couple of weeks have been a time for reflection, so I've reigned myself in and shut out the rest of the world as much as I can manage. I have not felt courageous. I have not been waiting for anything either. I have not felt anything except an abiding desire to be patient and to step away from this sense of forever being unwanted. I couldn't even describe what I'm thinking half of the time because there is such a numbness to it that there are no words. 

Right now, I just don't have the courage to wait and see what comes next. It will come regardless, so in that knowledge I will hold on to hope. 

tears

unfiltered untouched unforgettable

tears of love and gratitude empty onto my face
tears of wounded sadness fill my empty chest
tears for those whom I miss
tears for they who don't miss me
tears for all the heartache
tears for all the apathy
tears fall unseen along the roadside
tears fall with love caressed away
tears that cleanse the heart
tears that stretch it to love further
tears like gentle rain in spring
tears like a destroying tempest
tears give and take
tears smite and heal

never spring

forgotten what love looks like

maybe I never learnt

possibly there never has been 

anyone to practice with
perhaps the landscape will
never bear its weight
horizons ever searched
emblazoned with hope
hold the hidden treasures
golden and unfettered
opportunity rises like the sun
day after day until
she realizes how her only
warmth comes from the
icy cold fingers of winter
because spring won't
show its face
for fear of never
reaching summer

perspective shifts

They happen all the time. You are going along with life, making plans, holding onto hopes, and dreaming happy dreams. And then—something changes. A word is said, an action is taken, something is not done or undone, promises feigned or broken, and all of a sudden the world looks different to you, and you have to find a way to breathe again. You have to put one foot in front of the other, numb and wishing things could be different. But then you stop to realize that they are. You got different, just not the different you want. That's how change goes. Dependable and inevitable. Changed forever. Even if it's almost imperceptible. Never to go back the same again. So you keep going, you keep trying, you open up the door to all the happiness you can find. And the miraculous thing about it all is how you get to be surprised every so often with something good around the corner from change.

So here's to perspective shifts, change, and hopefully more wonderful surprises than I know what to do with.