I can't think of a title so this is what you get

Yesterday, I realized what the Slice of Life Story Challenge did for me in March. It got me to think outside of myself and not allow silence to creep in. I might have written about some of my hard things, but at least I was writing instead of feeling like I do now.

I posted on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday on the leftover steam from it, I think. But the steam ran out, and now-- you have the wanting/needing-to-be-silent person we were dealing with in February. It could have something to do with the school workload that I can hardly bear, yet it probably has most to do with my emotional and mental state. Let's face it. If I were doing better, I would be able to handle my stupid homework and not feel as if I were going to have an anxiety attack over doing the stuff. No one ever died just from doing their homework. 

I keep having these feelings like I am being lazy; I need to get over things and move on; Stop making excuses; You are a better student than this; Maybe you won't ever graduate; Maybe you shouldn't because you won't learn enough in this state to do a good job anyway; If I don't become a teacher, what will I do to take care of myself?; He is such a jerk for stopping wanting to taking care of me; I can't stand my life. 

And yes, I totally shared what goes through my mind at some point almost daily.

Not wanting to be completely negative, although I have no vision for how to spin this into a positive life lesson learned thing, I must share with you how blessed I have been amidst all this garbahge.

There have been a few family members who have gone out of their way to be present in my life with understanding and kindness. I have an aunt and two sisters-in-law who seem to have time when I need it and just the right words that I need to hear when I am struggling. The hand of friendship has been a major blessing to me in these difficult days lately. My BFF is amazing (and her husband) for being a listening ear, a support, and strength for me. I try hard not to turn her into a crutch, or more like my wheelchair, but some days I think I could really lose it if I didn't have her to talk to. Also, I have a neighbor who has become a very dear friend. She and I do so much together. She helps me with my children so I can attend school and go to appointments. We do fun things with the children and exercise together. She doesn't look at me like I'm nuts when I deserve a look or two.

Then, I have so many friends of the moment I can hardly count them all. It amazes me how much love I actually have received during this romantic love famine. Random acts of pure love and charity keep raining down on me, washing away the hurt and sadness for a little while, showing me people care whether or not I am happy and have all that I really need.

I think my big problem (and possibly everyone's problem when having bad days) is I keep getting on a kick where I don't remember the good things. I only look at the deluge of stupid stuff and turn a blind eye to the healing love that is shown me almost daily as well.  One of my friends said to make a list of all the tender mercies God grants me and put it somewhere I can see it every day. I have yet to do that. I am going to start working on it today and share it with all of you.

For accountability purposes--if you don't see a list soon, leave random reminder comments on random posts until I do. Maybe I will get it together knowing it is expected soon.

2 comments:

  1. I was just talking with my depression-prone son (Kade) last night about not getting caught up in negative thoughts and getting hung up, rather, on the good stuff. We made a list of all his blessings and soon he was smiling again even though his negative circumstances didn't change. We control our thoughts and attitudes. We're only victims of the unkindness of others if we allow it. You're right to count your blessings! It's empowering to take the control back. "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." (Aibileen Clark, The Help.) And I would add that you are STRONG and COURAGEOUS! You can do this! If you ever need the reminder, never hesitate to call. (I don't like hearing that you hesitate. Never do that. NEVER!) I like reminding you who you are. Because who you are is so amazing, it makes me smile to tell someone about it...especially you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am glad you are able to write. It is a way to release. I do like the list idea. It will help you see what is happening that is good. I kept a blessings notebook for a while. I looked for the positive and it helped refresh me.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are always a pleasure! Thank you!