Dear Whoever Might Be Listening,
I feel like a mess right now. I wish I had happier things to write about. I wish I could see myself making it out of this sad place, but I don't.
I've been thinking about things, marriage things, and I am wondering something. Are there men out there who actually want to and will do the work to be a team player with equity and care? Will he be attractive to me? Will I be attractive to him? Will the person who is willing to be on my team also desire to live a covenant-keeping lifestyle?
There are innumerable jokes about how selfish and insensitive guys are and how men and women don't understand one another; however, there are innumerable love stories to partake of in which people figure it out. They take care of each other. They sacrifice willingly to give what the other needs. They live godly lives with love and respect and fidelity. Love stories are found in movies and books as well as real life ones.
The only problem with all of my thought process is that I am a third-party observer with a failed marriage. Are my expectations too high? I don't think they are and can't imagine lowering them again, but will that mean I never have someone who really wants to do what it takes to be together for the long haul of eternity?
I believe I could drive myself into the ground worrying on these issues.
What I know for certain is I have so many more questions, so many more words I want to say, but it is not socially acceptable to talk to everyone about everything. I realize this is just a whole lot of self pity and ragging and whining, but this is my purple niche, and I guess I will mar it with this black sadness once again.
I can hardly stand writing these words, although this deeply solitary feeling urges me to keep on reaching out.
Most sincerely,
Me
I feel like a mess right now. I wish I had happier things to write about. I wish I could see myself making it out of this sad place, but I don't.
I've been thinking about things, marriage things, and I am wondering something. Are there men out there who actually want to and will do the work to be a team player with equity and care? Will he be attractive to me? Will I be attractive to him? Will the person who is willing to be on my team also desire to live a covenant-keeping lifestyle?
There are innumerable jokes about how selfish and insensitive guys are and how men and women don't understand one another; however, there are innumerable love stories to partake of in which people figure it out. They take care of each other. They sacrifice willingly to give what the other needs. They live godly lives with love and respect and fidelity. Love stories are found in movies and books as well as real life ones.
The only problem with all of my thought process is that I am a third-party observer with a failed marriage. Are my expectations too high? I don't think they are and can't imagine lowering them again, but will that mean I never have someone who really wants to do what it takes to be together for the long haul of eternity?
I believe I could drive myself into the ground worrying on these issues.
What I know for certain is I have so many more questions, so many more words I want to say, but it is not socially acceptable to talk to everyone about everything. I realize this is just a whole lot of self pity and ragging and whining, but this is my purple niche, and I guess I will mar it with this black sadness once again.
I can hardly stand writing these words, although this deeply solitary feeling urges me to keep on reaching out.
Most sincerely,
Me
Excellent and heartfelt commentary. I'm with you. Your honesty touches, and should touch all who are willing to listen, Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou are not "shamelessly complaining," rather you are a brave, genuine writer. It is a risk to write with the raw heart you bring to the page. There are no answers, no magic wands, no special potions to heal your hurt...there is the waiting page and your brave words that will, eventually, help you gain footing in the rocky terrain. Keep writing and stop feeling guilty about the emotions you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteRuth
I reread this today, and I thank you for these words. I have been encouraged by them on several occasions since you wrote them.
DeleteIt is very normal after the dissolution of a relationship to have these thoughts, to assume all men must be like your ex, and to wonder if anyone out there is different and how will you find them. Congratulations! You are normal.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, there are men who can and do rise above the "natural man" as they say. What if you met one right now, today? Would you be ready for him? Of course not silly, now is the time for healing, YOUR healing. So try not to worry about the men just yet, they aren't as important as the healing of your heart and soul. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief, and allow God to show you how wonderful your new life will be.
Yeah. I know this feeling. Not the same details, but I know how it feels to think that I will always, and have always, felt a certain way. It's terribly frightening. Sometimes it's just too hard to remember that there have been moments of intense happiness and joy. One thing that helps me is to reach out to others, just like you've done, and another thing is to just remind myself that the way I feel will change. It might be worse, it might be better, but it will change.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, there are good men in the world, and good women too, like you.
I think the reason you are writing is because you don't and won't allow yourself to stay in this sad place. I don't know you but I feel you are a fighter and won't stay down too much longer. Don't feel bad about writing the words... it may be just what you need to move forward. Good luck to you!!!
ReplyDeleteMy friend, Ruth, sent me your link to your post. My heart hurts for you. I can somewhat empathize. Just wanted to pass on from a 34 never-been-married-but-want-to woman who desires for a godly man who also finds her beautiful and wants to have the relationship that was intended in the Bible. Please know that your hurt is real, your words are honest, and there are no great answers to solve it.
ReplyDeleteOn days like these, I know that it's always darkest before the dawn. My loneliness comes in ebbs and flows, but I am confident that my God is my Provider and can be my everything. I just need to lean on Him. Praying that He fills you with Joy as you keep taking steps forward.
What you feel is real, but it is not the truth :) God is the truth, way, and light (right?!). Stand on his word, there are amazing men out there!
ReplyDeleteYour writing touches me. We can have such different experiences in life and still share such similar feelings. My widow's heart knows the sad and solitary place you describe, and the longing (hope) to have a loving partner to share the rest of life...
ReplyDelete