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This Phoenix Speaks

Seven years in the making, my first published book, This Phoenix Speaks , is now a reality. The tireless and tiring work invested to ma...

I Dream of Genie: Part Four

We enjoyed many good times from that first late night talk to the first guitar thank you kiss to being introduced to best friends and invited into a new circle of more adult-like individuals to becoming so much in love that I felt afraid of what we shared.

And that was when it started to fall apart for me, which brings me to why I wanted to tell you about my darling Genie in the first place.

I shattered my own romantic fantasy by breaking up with him by getting back together with the love/hate relationship, best friend of his younger brother guy—twice. I was a pathetic mess because I loved my no longer a crush, genie boyfriend, but I felt tied to my long-time, unhealthy relationship boyfriend for reasons we won't go into.

Confusion reigned supreme. I didn't know how to handle it at all; therefore, I pretended like it didn't happen by picking up where I left off with the old boyfriend who felt safe despite our damaging, unhealthy relationship issues.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty over rejecting a boyfriend after so many years have gone by, but I do. I was so immature, self-absorbed, ignorant, and without a compass. My adult self is disgusted by the thought of such grotesque lack of care for someone's feelings as well as the lack of self respect I employed, but the past is the past, and it can't be redone. I guess I just really wanted to make sure the story got told in a more permanent way in order to immortalize the grand kindness I was shown.

On the other hand, I also wanted to make sure everyone knows that while I am a romantic, I have also been capable of destroying love and trust for which I am deeply ashamed. How I treated him is one of my big regrets in life. So, I will end this tale with an apology in the hope that somehow, someday he might find this story and read it:

Dear Bryan,

I could say a million things—I've even written them out then erased them—but I won't waste any more of your time with romanticized nonsense. 

I really want you to know how very sorry I am for how I disregarded you as a person when we were together. I hope you might be able to forgive me. 

Also, thank you for your kind and loving ways you showed me so generously. You taught me about things that still help me in life to this day.

Warm regards,

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