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This Phoenix Speaks

Seven years in the making, my first published book, This Phoenix Speaks , is now a reality. The tireless and tiring work invested to ma...

feelings of inadequacy

I woke up to a beautiful day.  I was spiritually uplifted. It was sunny and warm. I got the boys' room rearranged and deep cleaned and the new dresser fit! Laundry almost finished (ha ha). I should be doing great, right?  If I could figure out how to not go through an anti-climactic ending to nearly all happy times I think I would be doing quite well.  
Yet, I obviously do not have that particular skill-set or I most definitely would not be making this post look like I am about to.
Why is life so complicated?  Am I just too strange and irritating for people to like me, yet too intimidating for them to tell me to get away? Why don't people let you know they don't like you if they don't, all the while acting as if they want to hang out with you?
Or are they trying to tell me and I am just so ridiculously naive and can't see it? 
While I do not condone going around informing people to get lost--I never liked you, I do think it is imperative that you try to never make someone feel like you are more of a friend than you really want to be. Don't be a shoulder to cry on if it only bugs you to hear the stories. Don't give advice, which invites more heart-to-hearts that you never really want to be a part of.
And most of all, if you are going to pretend to be a real friend, don't tell your actual friends or spouse about how you don't like that person.  It might just get back to her/him. so rude. so middle school. so I can't stand it.
Worst of all, your informant friend, who you truly thought was your friend due to history and a measure of trust, might be twisting what people say in order to make you doubt your other friendships and your absolute worth as a person. Probably not consciously, but either way it makes someone NOT your friend. This could be a reality to face.
And of course there are other versions of reality that could be the truth, but who really knows when somebody has to be lying, even if it is just a smidge of fudge.
Too much to sort out and think about, so I think I will stop now and attempt to do my experiment of not worrying with things I can't do anything about until I can be proactive.
I hope I am not a total downer. Maybe reading this pathetic ranting will help you feel glad you don't have my problems. Maybe you will feel normal.
All of this makes me think of that saying, "you take your laundry and I'll take mine".
At the very least, I hope this helps you to better appreciate yours...


  1. Great post. It wasn't a downer. I can totally understand what you're feeling. I try my very best to make sure and not associate with people that are like what you described. I have had some so called friends in my life like that, and they are just toxic. Great philosophy to just not worry about the things you can't do anything about. That sounds like that's some drama that you just don't need in your life.

  2. Thanks for the feedback...sometimes I think I am an alien life form that no one can identify with and you brought me back to reality. I like the word toxic. Very interesting word choice indeed. I might need to steal it :)
    Have a great Sunday!


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