into knots

I've gotten on a soapbox about how we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. I've done it many times. However, I think I only get on one as often as I have strength to do it because I fall prey to it at times. It's one of those note to self things that I hope might help someone else in the process.

To get down in the dirt about it, I struggle with negative self talk because I was talked to in unhealthy ways for many years. I was about to list some of the mean things that were said to me, but after the second and third words, it hurt too much to write more, so I will spare you from having to read it too. I don't excuse myself from taking action against my own negative self talk, but I must admit it is hard to stop after being conditioned for so long into thinking my imperfections are why I don't deserve to be loved.

Seeing photos plastered all over social media of what is considered desirable, guys giving virtual high-fives over being ladies' men, and me not matching up with any of those qualities does something to me. It twists my heart into knots; that's what it does. When it's a good day and I feel strong, I remind myself that I am beautiful, that outward beauty truly is not everything (not just a cliche), and that I deserve to be loved—someone someday will love me enough to stay. And I love myself. I am a good person at heart, and that is enough. I am contented and confident in the truth.

But then, there are days like last week and today when I just don't have it in me to get over the knots.


3 comments:

  1. Overcoming the instinct to speak negatively to ourselves is a difficult journey but oh so worth our efforts. I applaud you in your work. I worry about the effects of social media and how it impacts our self esteem. For me, turning off the platforms that cause me to compare and feel less than is the best solution.

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  2. This makes me think about Roosevelt's quote, "Comparison is the thief of joy." We're so bombarded with "standards" of beauty, athleticism, diet, parenthood, etc. I can completely understand the knotted days! Keep fighting the good fight!

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  3. It's so hard not to pick on ourselves. I try to catch my negative thoughts and flip them around to positive ones. You should always be your BIGGEST fan!

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