jalopy

I've said this before, but right when I think I might be doing better, I realize its accuracy: I am a stalling out, backfiring, rusted out jalopy with nowhere to go but uphill—forever.

And this is the part where I wrote some pretty long paragraphs about how it sucks to be me but deleted it all because you know what? It does not suck to be me too, and every reason points to love.

Parental love. My children are part of my struggles, but it is not because they are crazy bad or anything. Those monkeys are wonderful. It's just a heavy load of work and care to tow alone. And it's not like I am simply alone. I actually have opposition pushing and pulling at me. So, I want to proclaim that each of my children give me happiness that has no price. They are why it does not suck to be me. They are the ones who make me a mother and leader of civilization. They teach me things that I could not learn any other way. I am a better me because of them.

Platonic love. Another thing that doesn't suck about being me is having so many friends who care about me and I care for. I seem to need an army of them, but an army is exactly what I have. A wonderfully supportive army. Too many times I've been pulled up into sunlight I couldn't see for myself by these people. And I am thankful for every single one of them.

Romantic love. That's a tricky one for me. I don't want to say too much, but if I'm to focus on what doesn't suck about my existence, this love must be included. For quite some time whenever my worries get the better of me,  I've reflected on how loving someone hurts and heals all at the same time and why I would even put myself out there. My conclusion is that I am thankful to have this love in my heart even if it may never be shared/reciprocated in the same way. I patiently (and some days not so patiently) hope to be loved as I know is warranted, but that love must be given freely or it is no gift. And I want a gift—even the entire package. So I hope on.

As I slow down to breathe and let go of the negative self talk, I can see how wonderful life is to have people surrounding me in my journey uphill forever in this perfectly imperfect vehicle called my life.