Can't really find the words without totally freaking out. So I'm going to remember my word of the year and try to have compassion for myself. I'm going to force myself to address this thing that is crushing me right now, today. I think I did well on my exam, yet I think I did terribly at the same time. Does that even make sense? Another thing I know for a fact is that I let Impostor Syndrome creep in as I was taking the exam, so I don't trust myself at all. I either did well and comprehended what I was reading and was able to show what I know—or I truly was kidding myself and missed the mark. I cannot be sure. I wish I had felt confident instead of like I was trying to get away with something by talking my way out. I know I am a competent teacher. I have students who love me, students who learn from me, and even a small margin of students who hate me because they don't get me or can't get away with stuff with me thus proving my mad classroom management skills. Although I probably won't ever get teacher of the year because I have to dedicate so much effort to my family, I sincerely believe I am a successful teacher, a good teacher, and one that deserves to be licensed. But that test. Man alive. I am going to cry if my intuition that maybe I misinterpreted some of the questions is correct—and I fail. I am only thinking of it right now because I want to follow up with everyone because people said they wanted to know how it all went. But I am going to try to avoid working myself up over something I can't do anything about for a month. Yes, a month. The March story challenge will be over when I finally get the results. I can hardly stand it. So April 10 will be the slice where I follow up again if I wait that long. I might just write a quick post on the day the email comes. But it's also poetry month next month, so maybe it'll be a jacked up haiku about failure or something with joy and relief as a theme. Who even knows. I'm going to try to set this aside though. I need to. I can't even tell you how this is affecting me with all the other things going on in my life right now. It must be compartmentalized and set aside. Thank you for reading this lengthy stream of words that I supposedly couldn't find. I'm glad I let myself show compassion and allow myself to talk about it for a minute.
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You are amazing!
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